Tough choice

This year's Locus Poll includes a special category:

What is the greatest fantasy short story of all time? Please vote for your favorite novellas, novelettes, and short stories, published in 1995 or before, in this special category. A selection of nearly 300 titles, drawn from awards winners, classic anthologies, and expert recommendations, is listed below as suggestions, but you may vote for any other titles of your choice by using the write-in boxes at the bottom of the page.

Try to choose just five!

"Together, we can rule the galaxy ... "

Film director and arch-fan Kevin Smith has a spoiler-laden review of the new Star Wars movie. You'd expect him to like the film, but Smith really, really likes it:

"Revenge of the Sith" is, quite simply, fucking awesome.

De-leet: hoaxer gets hacker to wipe own hard drive

A script kiddie makes dire threats to a chat moderator, who convinces the badazz to delete his own hard drive.

For information: The dangerous hacker is called bitchchecker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch. 127.0.0.1 is always the IP-adress of the computer you're currently using, any request there will return to your computer.

[snip]
<bitchchecker> tell me your network number man then you're dead
<elch> Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
<elch> or maybe 127.0.0.1
<elch> yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
<bitchchecker> in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
<elch> Now I'm frightened
<bitchchecker> shut up you'll be gone
<bitchchecker> i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
<bitchchecker> say goodbye
<elch> to whom?
<bitchchecker> to you man
<bitchchecker> buy buy
<elch> I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you

ph34r teh l33t skillz of teh haxx0r!!!

English translation from German original. (via discourse.net)

Strategic incompetence?

I recently received a phone call I had been dreading, and handling it was surprisingly easy. Perhaps suspiciously easy.

We recently switched our cell phone service from Sprint PCS to another carrier. The only reason I don't think Sprint redlined our South Side neighborhood is that Sprint's service, across the whole Chicago area, consistently sucks. I shall delicately refrain from vulgar speculation concerning the true meaning of "PCS."

As a parting gift, Sprint hit us with an early termination fee of $175. We refused to pay because our contract had run out, so we were month-to-month, so there was no early termination, and therefore no fee applied.

I assumed we had been slammed, partly because it seemed SOP for Sprint, partly because of several conversations along this outline:

Alleged "Customer Service" Representative: You may have been trying to call from an area that's not covered by our PCS network.
Me: As I said before, I was trying to call from near my home. When did Sprint drop Chicago from its coverage area?
ACRS: If you renew your agreement, we can send you a new phone ...
Me: *tasmanian devil sounds*

So, assuming slammage -- and with prior experience of Sprint's "Customer Service" --, I anticipated many alternating layers of idiocy and bullshit as I escalated my merry way up the billing ladder. Neither X-Word Puzzle Girl nor I wanted to deal with.

Eventually Sprint called us. To my surprise, the whole thing was quick and easy. I'd like to think that no opposition can withstand the combined weight of my charm and wit. But I had brandished them against Sprint before, to little avail. This conversation was almost perfunctory:

Cindy in Billing: ... your account is past due ... $175.
Cranky Me: ... contract over ... no early termination ... no payment or nuthin' ... no verbs. Grrr.
CiB: Let me check your account ... *typitty typitty* ... You're right. I'll reverse the charge. If we contact you again, please reference this very long number....

I've had more trouble ordering at McDonald's than I did getting this $175 charge removed.

It reminds me of something Edwin Lefevre said in Reminiscences of a Stock Operator:

My relations with my brokers were friendly enough. Their accounts and records did not always agree with mine, and the differences always happened to be against me. Curious coincidence--not!

I don't mention Lefevre's brokerage troubles because he used 1980s slang in 1923. Lefevre gave a great example of incompetence as a deliberate strategy.

It sounds wasteful, calling all these folks just to waive their fees. But it could pay off.

• Each phone call costs 5 or 10 bucks to make [ (100K/yr/employee) ÷ (2000 hrs/yr) ÷ (5 or 10 calls/hr) ].
• Many will dispute the charges, but not all.
  
  • Some people will just pay up when they get the call.
    
  • A lot of people don't check their bills -- they just pay 'em; so they don't even need a call.
• Bottom-line,
  
  • it makes money if only 3-6% pay the mistaken charges;
    
  • these are already ex-customers, so ill-will is nil.

Here's what I would love to see:

• How many of Sprint's long-term customers (2+ years, and so presumably out of contract) get charged early termination fees?
• What percentage of Sprint's customers contest early termination fees?
• How does Sprint differ from other cellular providers in these stats?

Now, I am not suggesting that anyone at Sprint is engaged in a deliberate attempt to defraud. But there certainly is an incentive for convenient carelessness.

The only reliable lesson from this is: I am extremely bitter and cynical. My suspicions are aroused when an experience isn't unpleasant enough.

Update: Now there's a poll: Did Sprint charge you an early termination fee?

Yes, even though I was out of contract.
Yes, because I was still in contract.
No, because I was out of contract.
No, even though I was still in contract.
No, but I still paid it.

Go vote.

Just like Pagliacci did, I try to keep my sadness hid.

The Chicago Tribune says:

Federal agents pinned decades of gangland killings on Chicago-area mobsters Monday, charging a dozen organized crime figures and two former police officers with running an outfit based on illegal gambling, loan sharking and murder....

Agents were still searching for two of those charged Monday night, including Joey "The Clown" Lombardo, 75, once the reputed boss of Chicago's mob.

The indictment says (in small part):

It was further part of the conspiracy that loans made at usurious rates, or “juice loans,” would be and were made to numerous individuals. These loans carried interest rates generally ranging from one percent (1%) to ten percent (10%) per week, which translate into annual rates of 52% to 520%, respectively.

Joey the Clown and his buddies were in the wrong business -- well, 41 pages of wrong businesses. They should have gotten into payday loans. These loans can carry APRs of 300% up past 900%. And they're legal.

Why do loansharks make less than legal lenders? This is a job for Freakonomics! I bet Joey's thinking

Really I'm sad
Hurtin' so bad

Penguin lust: maybe it's Berkeley Breathed's world.

It may not be Gary Larson's world. The world may belong to Berkeley Breathed. The Chicago Tribune tells a sordid tale of penguin lust.

With Zorro gone and no available male in the colony, Zurita began looking for love in the wrong places, by soliciting males already spoken for.

One ended up giving her a fertile egg, but when keepers discovered the male was Zurita's cousin, they took the egg away to avoid the dangers of inbreeding. Still, Zurita continued to look for male conquests.

"She continued to solicit males from established pairs," Broniewicz said.

When she approached a male named Popero, his mate, Bumblebee, confronted Zurita in a violent tussle.

Penguins have sharp beaks and a strong bite, and the two females went after each other's faces, trying to cut each other and pounding away with their powerful wing flippers.

If poor Zurita weren't a penguin, would her sad tale be best told in a TV drama, a country song, or an opera?

We (heart) copyeditors

Adam Langer appreciates "the most unheralded job in publishing." (via Bookslut)

Frazzled Editor provides "protection from wordy." (via Making Light)

Update: title changed from"We ♡ copyeditors."

Burning glass

Driftglass has been focusing his ire into some classic rants. I wish I could manage one post a week this good -- let alone three in a day.

Hey Moderates, Flat or Round?
... We can’t convince Fundies to stop being crazy or evil, but we can and should take every opportunity that presents itself to force the Moderates that have crawled in to bed with them to take a good, hard look at the who they’ve been canoodling with.

Want us to stop bugging you? Fine: its very, very easy. Either quit humping the rabid dog, or marry the rabid dog. But you can sure as shit forget about making electoral rabid dog Booty Calls, slinking away before sunrise and thinking that we’re not going to Gary Hart your hypocritical ass....

---

Power
... since power can do what it will, the test of power is always restraint. How and when you don’t use it. That is the difference between a powerful man, and a weak man with power.

A weak man with power, wields it like a club, casually beating anyone that stands in his way to a pulp, full of a coward’s confidence that his weapon will keep him safe forever from the consequences of his stupidity....

The President of the United States, George Walker Bush, is a weak man. A weak, mean, spoiled man who has spent his much of his life dumb as a sack of lugnuts, careless, detached, knee-walking drunk into one pile of shit after another only to have Daddy and Daddy’s friends winch him out, hose him down, fill his pockets back up with cash and send him toddling along his way...

---

First they came for the File Clerks
Then they came for the Family Planning Clinics.

Then they came for the “activist” judges.

Happy Anniversary, Moderate Republicans!

It’s been 10 years to the day that Ultra Right Wing Hero First Class Timothy McVeigh murdered 168 Americans in your name...

Read 'em all, not just my excerpts.

Maybe he can thump some sense into the sad little heads of the "Ostrich Republicans."

It's Gary Larson's world.

Gary Larson retired The Far Side over a decade ago. The world is beginning to catch up.

• Rats that were repeatedly tickled became socially bonded to the researchers and would seek out tickles.
• Like me, you've probably stayed awake countless nights wondering, "Did the Brits ever make plans for a nuclear landmine, powered by chickens?" (via Electrolite)
  
• Capuchin monkey to join police SWAT team.
• Wolves have bad manners. (via robot wisdom)
  
• Sheep have best friends.
• Cows hold grudges.

The world is ending, sign 415926

Now there's Bible slash. (via Making Light)

Will the final omen be Jar Jar slash Dobby? So far there are only foreshadowings of this squicky offense against nature CGI.

Paging Dr. Evil ... Paging Dr. Evil

Laser-controlled headless zombie flies.

"Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic!"

John Carroll reports on Unitarian Jihad, who threate, "Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere!"

The Name Assignment Committee has dubbed me Brother Numchuku of Reasoned Discussion.

But The First Reformed Unitarian Jihad Name Generator says my name is Brother Shiv of Mindful Harmony.

Which suits me better?

(via Brother Pepper Spray of Compassion)

This Happens to Me All the Time

Mimi smartypants names the "best messageboard thread in the history of the world." Gonores begins with an intriguing hypothetical,

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

then focuses it in a realistic manner:

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.

Board contributors thoughtfully explore the details:

Are you allowed to use one the kids to wield at other kids ala a sword?

Mimi is right. This is exactly the sort of thing the internets were invented for. And reality TV.

linky love

do kids still say w00t!? this blog recently received its first comment and first link. both are from the witty and prolific skippy. a first link is like a first kiss in blogtopia (yes! skippy coined that word!).

in skippy's honor, this post eschews capitalization. but what if caps-block functionality became the house style on wingnut sites? frei republik and its ilkkk would grind to a halt.

Songs as Outlines

Qwantz came up with a brain-eating way to think about songs. Process Girl is going to love this.

totally just invented the best format for music EVER

Here is the Ghostbusters theme song in list format.

* Things I ain't afraid of:
    o no ghost

* Strange things in the neighbourhood (partial list):
    o seeing things running through head
    o invisible man sleeping in bed

* Things that make me feel good:
    o bustin'

* Who you gonna call:
    o Ghostbusters
    o I can't hear you
    o Louder

It's a reaction to pseudo-organizizing on par with "The Gettysburg Powerpoint Presentation" and and Edward Tufte's classic essay, "The Cognitive Style of Powerpoint." The huge response has included over 1500 sometimes-inspired comments on the original post, silly Java programs,

public class BeerSong{
public static void main(String[] args){
int beerNum=99;
String word="bottles";

while (beerNum >0) { ...

and a new Live Journal community which is continuing the outline fun:

Word up

Target audience:

All the boys and girls

Pretty ladies around the world

Brothers

Sisters

Your momma, too

Sucka DJs who think [they're] fly

Materials:

Music (we can use it)

What to do:

Wave your hands in the air
      • like you don't care ...

I got infected by the meme, too. Sam Cooke's "Wonderful World:"

Don't know
* much [about]
    • history
    • biology
    • a science book
    • the French I took
    • geography
    • trigonometry
    • algebra
* what it's for
    • a slide rule

Do know
* I love you
* one and one is two

Claims explicitly rejected
* to be an "A" student

Maybe
* I can win your love for me
    • by being an "A" student baby

Conditions under which a wonderful world this would be
* you love me too
* this one could be with you

(via Boing Boing)

Who Is the Patron Saint of Underwater Robots?

You gotta read "La Vida Robot." It has :

• scrappy teens
• suspenseful competition
• skilled feature writing
• a call to action
• a robot named Stinky.
  

There's also a nifty theological puzzle.

When Luis lowered Stinky into the water for their run, Lorenzo prayed to the Virgin Mary. He prayed that the [last-minute repairs] would work but then wondered ... whether it was appropriate.... He tried to think of a different saint to pray to but couldn't come up with an appropriate one. The whir of Stinky's propellers brought him back to the task at hand....

I think Lorenzo's first instinct was good. The BVM is an all-rounder, a good general purpose saint. But a more-focused patron saint might be better. Who is the patron saint of underwater robots?

Saint Christopher would be good to start with. He's the patron saint of travelers, which both Lorenzo and Stinky were. Contrary to popular belief, Christopher wasn't demoted to non-sainthood. It's just that his feast day was de-emphasized because he shares it with Saint James, who, as an apostle, outranks him.

Saint Barbara would be a natural. She has clout both with the contest location (UC Santa Barbara) and sponsor (NASA— -- she was a patron saint of astronauts). Unfortunately (and unlike Christopher), she was demoted on account of mythicality.

Of course the robots themselves will eventually choose Saint Isaac. But Asimov is unlikely ever to be officially canonized, however canonical he may be.

I would go with Saint Elmo, who covers both mariners and electricity. He's also an unofficial patron saint of youthful ensembles and misbehaving robots.

A Fun Guy from Yuggoth

Was it Spider Robinson who said "Lovecraft leaves me cold. Actually, Lovecraft *fails* to leave me cold?"

Despite his "portentous, overblown, corny" style, H. P. Lovecraft became "iconic and influential." Michael Dirda reviews the Library of America's H. P. Lovecraft: Tales, and concludes

This once little-known horror writer has reached out from beyond the grave to claim his rightful place as a grand master of visionary fiction.

Dirda includes some surprising biographical tidbits:

He actually competed in an ice-cream eating contest and was reportedly offered the editorship of a periodical called the Magazine of Fun.

Lovecraft editing the Magazine of Fun? Doesn't that sound like a perfect companion to Paul di Filippo's Lost Pages story "Campbell's World" -- where Joseph Campbell becomes editor of Astounding Stories ?

And Lovecraft in an ice-cream eating contest? Doesn't that call out (in clotted gutturals unutterable by any human) for Gahan Wilson's deliquescent blobularities?

Scarborough Foul

Joe Scarborough impressed me with his work on the Terri Schiavo case: he managed to be even dimmer and sleazier than usual.

Calling Scarborough an empty suit would insult emptiness.

Billmon shows the love:

We're talking about a guy for whom becoming a hack Republican Congressman was an intellectual step up in the world. A man so dumb the words on his law school diploma are written in Pig Latin. A man so stupid he feels intimidated by all the smart girls -- like Terri Schiavo.

When young women die in Florida, Scarborough tends to shut up and go away. And look, Gary Condit is available to guest-host.